Here are some purple bits to make your day more cheery 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Public toilets 

When you have to visit a public toilet, you usually find a line of women, so you smile politely and take your place. Once it's your turn, you check for feet under the cubicle doors. Every cubicle is occupied.

Finally, a door opens and you dash in, nearly knocking down the woman leaving the cubicle. You get in to find the door won't latch. It doesn't matter, the wait has been so long you are about to wet your pants!

The dispenser for the modern 'seat covers' (invented by someone's Mum, no doubt) is handy, but empty. You would hang your bag on the door hook, if there was one, so you carefully, but quickly drape it around your neck, (Mum would turn over in her grave if you put it on the FLOOR!) down with your pants and assume ' The Stance.
In this position, your aging, toneless, thigh muscles begin to shake. You'd love to sit down, but having not taken time to wipe the seat or to lay toilet paper on it, you hold 'The Stance.'

To take your mind off your trembling thighs, you reach for what you discover to be the empty toilet paper dispenser.
In your mind, you can hear your mother's voice saying, 'Dear, if you had tried to clean the seat, you would have KNOWN there was no toilet paper!' Your thighs shake more.

You remember the tiny tissue that you blew your nose on yesterday - the one that's still in your bag (the bag around your neck, that now you have to hold up trying not to strangle yourself at the same time). That would have to do, so you crumple it in the puffiest way possible. It's still smaller than your thumbnail.

Someone pushes your door open because the latch doesn't work.  The door hits your bag, which is hanging around your neck in front of your chest and you and your bag topple backward against the tank of the toilet.

'Occupied!' you scream, as you reach for the door, dropping your precious, tiny, crumpled tissue in a puddle on the floor, while losing your footing altogether and sliding down directly onto the TOILET SEAT. It is wet of course. You bolt up, knowing all too well that it's too late. Your bare bottom has made contact with every imaginable germ and life form on the uncovered seat because YOU never laid down toilet paper - not that there was any, even if you had taken time to try.

You know that your mother would be utterly appalled if she knew, because you're certain her bare bottom never touched a public toilet seat because, frankly, dear, 'You just don't KNOW what kind of diseases you could get.

By this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet is so confused that it flushes, propelling a stream of water like a fire hose against the inside of the bowl and spraying a fine mist of water that covers your bum and runs down your legs and into your shoes.
The flush somehow sucks everything down with such force and you grab onto the empty toilet paper dispenser for fear of being dragged in too.

At this point, you give up. You're soaked by the spewing water and the wet toilet seat. You're exhausted. You try to wipe with a sweet wrapper you found in your pocket and then slink out inconspicuously to the sinks.

You can't figure out how to operate the taps with the automatic sensors, so you wipe your hands with spit and a dry paper towel and walk past the line of women still waiting You are no longer able to smile politely to them. A kind soul at the very end of the line points out a piece of toilet paper trailing from your shoe. (Where was that when you NEEDED it?) You yank the paper from your shoe, plunk it in the woman's hand and tell her warmly, 'Here, you just might need this.

As you exit, you spot your hubby, who has long since entered, used and left the men's toilet. Annoyed, he asks, 'What took you so long and why is your bag hanging around your neck?

This is dedicated to women everywhere who deal with any public rest rooms/toilets (rest??? you've GOT to be kidding!!). It finally explains to the men what really does take us so long. It also answers that other commonly asked question about why women go to the toilets in pairs. It's so the other gal can hold the door, hang onto your bag and hand you Kleenex under the door.
This HAD to be written by a woman! No one else could describe it so accurately.

 

 

 

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These are some Christmas Jokes, you can tell the grand children

 

Where does Santa’s little helpers go to relax?

The Elf Farm

 

What do snowmen wear on their heads?

Ice Caps

 

What do snowmen eat for lunch?

Icebergers

 

Where do Snowmen  go to dance?

Snowballs

 

What do you call a reindeer with ear muffs?

Anything you want – he can’t hear you

 

Who is never hungry at Christmas?

The turkey – he’s  always stuffed!

 

How do you know when there is a snowman in your bed?

You wake up wet.

 

What bird has wings, but cannot fly?

Roast Turkey

 

What will happen to you at Christmas?

Yule be happy

 

What is the best thing to put in the Christmas cake (besides the brandy)?

Your teeth

 

A Christmas Thought

Desserts is Stressed spelled backwards

 

 

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I Wish You Enough

   
Recently I overheard a mother and daughter in their last moments together at the airport. They had announced the departure..

Standing near the security gate, they hugged and the mother said, 'I love you and I wish you enough'.

The daughter replied, 'Mom, our life together has been more than enough.  Your love is all I ever needed.  I wish you enough, too, Mum'.
                  

They kissed and the daughter left. The mother walked over to the window where I was seated. Standing there I could see she wanted and needed to cry. I tried not to intrude on her privacy but she welcomed me in by asking,  'Did you ever say good-bye to someone knowing it would be forever?'.

Yes, I have,' I replied. 'Forgive me for asking, but why is this a forever good-bye?'.

'I am old and she lives so far away. I have challenges ahead and the reality is - the next trip back will be for my funeral,' she said.

'When you were saying good-bye, I heard you say, 'I wish you enough'. May I ask what that means?'.

She began to smile. 'That's a wish that has been handed down from other generations. My parents used to say it to everyone'. She paused a moment and looked up as if trying to remember it in detail and she smiled even more.  'When we said, 'I wish you enough', we were wanting the other person to have a life filled with just enough good things to sustain them'.  Then turning toward me, she shared the following as if she were reciting it from memory

I wish you enough sun to keep your attitude bright no matter how gray the day may appear.

                                           
I wish you enough rain to appreciate the sun even more.

I wish you enough happiness to keep your spirit alive and everlasting.

I wish you enough pain so that even the smallest of joys in life may appear bigger.

I wish you enough gain to satisfy your wanting.

I wish you enough loss to appreciate all that you possess.

I wish you enough hellos to get you through the final good-bye.
                                        

She then began to cry and walked away.

They say it takes a minute to find a special person, an hour to appreciate them, a day to love them but then an entire life to forget them.

           TAKE TIME TO LIVE....

                                         
To all my friends and loved ones, I WISH YOU ENOUGH!!!

 

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THE STORY OF PURPLE
Purple is the color of riches and royalty. This color gives you a spiritual feeling, but the most beautiful attire is a smile.
Purple means mystery and intrigue. It means quick wit, creative thinking.


THE STORY OF RED
Red is the color of fire, the color of blood, the color of life. Red is the color of passion and love. A zest for life. A craving for excess. It is no myth that red is exciting. Just looking at red will increase the blood pressure, stimulate adrenaline and speed up the pulse and give you energy. Red is found in every language known to humankind.

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RED HATTERS

- Eat dessert first.

- Aspire to laugh much and grow old playfully.

- Are proof that there is life after wrinkles.

- Embrace the freedom age brings.

- Live the second half of life outrageously.

 

DIET TIP
Eat a chocolate bar before each meal.
It will take the edge off you appetite and you will eat less!

 

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ATTITUDE

There once was a woman who woke up one morning, looked in the mirror,
and noticed she had only three hairs on her head.
'Well,' she said, 'I think I'll braid my hair today.'
So she did and she had a wonderful day.

The next day she woke up, looked in the mirror
and saw that she had only two hairs on her head.
'H-M-M,' she said, 'I think I'll part my hair down the middle today.'
So she did and she had a grand day.

The next day she woke up, looked in the mirror and noticed
that she had only one hair on her head.
'Well,' she said, 'today I'm going to wear my hair in a pony tail.'
So she did, and she had a fun, fun day.

The next day she woke up, looked in the mirror and noticed
that there wasn't a single hair on her head.
'YAY!' she exclaimed.
'I don't have to fix my hair today!'

Attitude is everything.
Be kinder than necessary,
For everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle.

Live simply,

Love generously,

Care deeply,

Speak kindly.......

Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass...

It's about learning to dance in the rain.

 

 

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The Hug

There is no such thing as a bad hug –  only good ones and great ones.

Hugs are not fattening, and they don’t cause cancer or cavities.

They are all natural, with no preservatives or artificial ingredients.

They are cholesterol free, naturally sweet and 100% wholesome.

And they are a completely renewable natural resource.

They don’t require batteries, tune-ups or x-rays.

They are non-taxable, fully returnable and energy efficient.

They are safe in all kinds of weather; in fact they are especially good on cold, rainy days.

They are exceptionally effective in treating problems like bad dreams or the Monday “blahs”.

NEVER WAIT UNTIL TOMORROW TO HUG SOMEONE YOU COULD HUG TODAY

 

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And then the fight started.... 
 

An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand walks into a small village and sees a local sitting on his veranda patting his dog.
 He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the Kiwi.
 'G'day, mind if I talk to your dog?'   
 Villager: 'The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie.'  
 Ventriloquist: 'Hello dog, how's it going mate?'   
 Dog: 'Yeah, doin' all right.'   
 Kiwi: (look of extreme shock)   
 Ventriloquist: 'Is this villager your owner?' (pointing at the villager)      
 Dog: 'Yep.'  
 Ventriloquist: 'How does he treat you?'   
 Dog: 'Yeah, real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food And  takes me to the lake once a week to play.'  
 Kiwi: (look of utter disbelief)   
 Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your horse?'   
 Kiwi: 'Uh, the horse doesn't talk either... I think.'
  Ventriloquist: 'Hey horse, how's it going?'   
 Horse: 'Cool.'  
 Kiwi: (absolutely dumbfounded)   
 Ventriloquist: 'Is this your owner?' (Pointing at the villager)   
 Horse: 'Yep.'
  Ventriloquist: 'How does he treat you?'   
 Horse: 'Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes  me down often and keeps me in the shed  to protect me from the elements.'   
 Kiwi: (total look of amazement)   
 Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your sheep?'   
 Kiwi: (in a panic) 'The sheep's a bloody liar......!!'   

  
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My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

 

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend’.

 

I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

 

'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

 

And then the fight started.....
   
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I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car.

 

You know how sometimes you just get so stressed and little things just seem funny? 

 

Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... he was a DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!!!'

So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'

 

And then the fight started.... 

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A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

 

She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.

 

I really need you to pay me a compliment.' 

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.' 

 

And then the fight started.... 

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  JUST A MUM?

  

A woman, renewing her driver's license at the  County  Clerk 's office, was asked by the woman recorder to state her occupation. She hesitated, uncertain how to classify herself.  

 

'What I mean is, ' explained the recorder,   'do you have a job or are you just a .?'

 

'Of course I have a job,' snapped the woman. 'I'm a Mum.'

 

'We don't list 'Mum' as an occupation, 'Housewife' covers it,' said the recorder emphatically.

 

 I forgot all about her story until one day I found myself in the same situation, this time at our own Town Hall.   The Clerk was obviously a career woman, poised, efficient and possessed of a high sounding title like, 'Official Interrogator' or 'Town Registrar.'

 

'What is your occupation?' she probed.

 

What made me say it?  I do not know.   The words simply popped out.   'I'm a Research Associate in the field of Child Development and Human Relations.'

 

The clerk paused, ball-point pen frozen in midair and looked up as though she had not heard right.   

 

I repeated the title slowly emphasizing the most significant words. Then I stared with wonder as my pronouncement was written, in bold, black ink on the official questionnaire.

 

'Might I ask,' said the clerk with new interest, 'just what you do in your field?'

 

Coolly, without any trace of fluster in my voice, I heard myself reply, 'I have a continuing program of research, (what mother doesn't) in the laboratory and in the field, (normally I would have said indoors and out).   I'm working for my Masters, (the whole family) and already have four credits (all daughters).  Of course the job is one of the most demanding in the humanities, (any mother care to disagree?) and I often work 14 hours a day (24 is more like it).   But the job is more challenging than most run-of-the-mill careers and the rewards are more of a satisfaction rather than just money.'

 

There was an increasing note of respect in the clerk's voice as she completed the form, stood up, and personally ushered me to the door.

 

As I drove into our driveway, buoyed up by my glamorous new career, I was greeted by my lab assistants -- ages 10, 7, and 3.  Upstairs I could hear our new experimental model, (my 6 month old baby) in the child development program, testing out a new vocal pattern.   I felt I had scored a beat on bureaucracy!  And I had gone on the official records as someone more distinguished and indispensable to mankind than 'just another Mum'. 

 

 Motherhood!  

 What a glorious career!   

Especially when there's a title on the door.

 

Does this make grandmothers

'Senior Research associates in the field of Child Development and Human Relations'

and great grandmothers 'Executive Senior Research Associates'?  

I think so!!!   I also think it makes Aunts  'Associate Research Assistants'!!!

 

 Please pass this onto another Mum, Grandmother or Aunt.

  

And it wouldn't hurt to pass it on to your children too!!!

 

 Be kinder than necessary. Everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle.

You never know when a moment and a few sincere words can have an impact on a life.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Girlie Wisdom!

 Women over 50 don't have babies because they would put them down and forget where they left them.

A friend of mine confused her Valium with her birth control pills... she has 14 kids but doesn't really care.  
 
One of life's mysteries is how a 2-pound box of chocolates can make a woman gain 5 lbs.
 
My mind not only wanders, it sometimes leaves completely.
 
The best way to forget your troubles is to wear tight shoes.
 
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don't know what you are doing, someone else does.

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends.
 
Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.
 
Sometimes I think I understand everything, and then I regain consciousness. 
  
Amazing!  You hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks 2 sizes!

The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing and then they marry him.
 
I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding?  That's my idea of a perfect day!

  
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